Pit Viper (Amber Norman) (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
reserpentance) wrote2022-03-23 09:32 am
reserpentance) wrote2022-03-23 09:32 am
Open Post
"I need you to understand," says Pit Viper. She undocks the laptop screen from its keyboard and passes it over.
"I need just one other human being to understand that I am on my best fucking behavior right now."
On the screen is a cartoon drawing of a squirrel. The squirrel is smoking a blunt. It's wearing rainbow shutter shades. On its head is a hat referencing a meme that is, bare minimum, four years old. The whole thing is honestly hideous.
"This fucker," says Pit, stabbing a finger onto the touch screen with such emphasis it scrolls a bit, "is worth three hundred thousand dollars and I did not stutter."
She looks her audience in the eyes, her intensity of feeling about this somehow overcoming that her eyes are so goddamn weird these days.
"I could take this thing in about five minutes. Four if I go for the speedrun. And that I am not doing that right now is some fucking saintly behavior on my part and somebody has got to appreciate it."
"I need just one other human being to understand that I am on my best fucking behavior right now."
On the screen is a cartoon drawing of a squirrel. The squirrel is smoking a blunt. It's wearing rainbow shutter shades. On its head is a hat referencing a meme that is, bare minimum, four years old. The whole thing is honestly hideous.
"This fucker," says Pit, stabbing a finger onto the touch screen with such emphasis it scrolls a bit, "is worth three hundred thousand dollars and I did not stutter."
She looks her audience in the eyes, her intensity of feeling about this somehow overcoming that her eyes are so goddamn weird these days.
"I could take this thing in about five minutes. Four if I go for the speedrun. And that I am not doing that right now is some fucking saintly behavior on my part and somebody has got to appreciate it."
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"Anyone ever tell you there's a sucker born every minute? That's a lot of people! It's like that Shakespeare monkeys and typewriters thing, but with dumb chumps."
She pretends to sniffle and wipe a tear from her eye.
"It's the real beauty of human existence. Be glad, I am pretty sure that's also why superheroes get job security."
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Pit sighs wistfully. "I would just have to run a little exploit..." she veers directly into some Deep Wizard Speak for a moment.
Pauses.
Thinks.
"...Basically, there's nothing in the system to stop you running a con on a known dipshit," she awkwardly summarizes.